20 Funny Christmas Quotes to Get You Ready for the Holidays

Here are 20 funny Christmas quotes to put a smile on your face.

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller

“No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.” – Emma Bombeck

“There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” – Bob Phillips

“The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” – Johnny Carson

But first, here’s a funny Christmas prank video:

“A man of fifty looks as old as Santa Claus to a girl of twenty.” – William Feather

“Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.” – Unknown

“Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.” – Unknown

“The best time and place to see crazy people is at the mall the weekend before Christmas.” – Unknown

“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” – Larry Wilde

“It’s not what you eat between Christmas and New Year you should worry about, it’s what you eat between New Year and Christmas.” – Unknown

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.” – Victor Borge

“Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.” – Kin Hubbard

“Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” – Gary Allan

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.” – Bernard Manning

“Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.” – Unknown

“Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.” – Richard Lewis

“Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.” – Richard Lamm

“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” – Kin Hubbard

“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.” – W. C. Fields

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple

More Xmas Quotes

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