30 Funny Steven Wright Quotes

Steven Wright is a comedian. Here are some of his quotes.

“Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here.'”

“It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.”

“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”

“All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.”

“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

“Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.”

“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

“I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.”

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.”

“If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.”

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”

“A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.”

“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

“My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’ll give me the other one next year. ”

“If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?”

“I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.”

“I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.”

“I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.”

“I went to a garage sale. ‘How much for the garage?’ ‘It’s not for sale.'”

“I went to a fancy french restaurant called, Deja Vu. The headwaiter said, ‘Don’t I know you?'”

“I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.”

“I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time.”

“In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above… so I never have to go upstairs.”

“I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.”

“Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”

“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”

“If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?”

Also see: Funny Birthday Quotes

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